So Moses the servant of the Lord died there in the land of Moab, according to the word of the Lord, and he buried him in the valley in the land of Moab opposite Beth-peor; but no one knows the place of his burial to this day. Moses was 120 years old when he died. His eye was undimmed, and his vigor unabated. And the people of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses were ended. (Deuteronomy 34:5-8, ESV)
You have to move on. You have to let things go.
I don't mean to be insensitive to feelings and loss, but, you know, people die. They've been doing it since the beginning, and they'll keep doing it until the end of this realm of existence. One reason we allow our children to keep pets -- dogs and cats and hamsters and lizards and turtles and birds and such -- is, or ought to be, because it gives them a chance to learn about death. They learn that, in the words of Pogo Possum, "Life ain't NOhow permanent;" that loss hurts, but isn't fatal; that we continue to live when someone we love dies.
Anyway, that's how it's supposed to be. Ever been in a home where they keep "the untouched bedroom", the one where nothing has been changed since the day its occupant died? Or watched as a friend or acquaintance lived their days in the shadow of loss? Some folks just won't leave it behind. I feel a strong sympathy for the parent who loses a child or spouse far too early in life; I don't mean to diminish the sense of loss when a loved one goes home. But there also comes a sense of irritation with that person who won't let go. Do we somehow think that the one who is gone from us is honored by a refusal to move through life without him or her . . . that they would WANT us to get stuck in a certain time and not live our lives? It's especially frustrating when it's a Christian who won't stop the mourning, as though Jesus were wrong when he talked about eternity and renewal and life and hope.
There comes a time when you have to move on, to stop clinging. And the people of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses were ended. It's not just true of losing loved ones. It's true of losing leaders, teachers, jobs, situations, and so much more. The job you loved that you're not in anymore. The preacher who meant so much who's moved on, for whatever reason. The girlfriend/boyfriend that promised to never leave you, just before he/she broke your heart.
Let it go. Life moves ahead. Move with it. Pogo was wrong -- in God, life IS permanent. It doesn't stop, just because we come to an end here.
Tomorrow's readings -- Ecclesiastes 2:18-23; Joshua 1; Zephaniah 1:1 - 2:3; Matthew 12
02 July 2009
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Sam, It is great to find your blog. Today's entry is helpful and timely. Yesterday I was having a long conversation with a good friend who has been grieving for a very long time, her entire family is a wreck because of it. You have reminded me that the Bible speaks to this topic very specifically in several places. There is a Godly way to grieve and then there are the alternatives... Thanks! Beth Spencer
ReplyDeleteHey Sam, I wandered over here because you had something nice to say about your wife but was disappointed with the post about grieving. Yes, it can become disfunctional but that is really up to a mental health professional to decide. (And even those professionals can be way off or uncomfortable with this process.) After working in hospice for several years as a bereavement counselor what I found was that most people are simply not comfortable with the ideal of their own mortality, whether they are Christian or not. Those useless things people say or their irritation with the bereaved are more often than not simply that person's inability to deal with the concept of mortality. They are "uncomfortable" with someone grieving a loss because it makes them feel bad. Some of the stupid things that people say are because they want the bereaved person to feel better, NOW, and then they would feel better too. That is why support groups work because you need to be with other people who will not put you down or try to "shorten" your grief for their convenience. Dealing with loss is a process that has to run it's course and the way to process it is to work through the feelings by telling the "story" over and over again until the sting comes out of it. Yes, it gets tiresome for family and friends because they don't know what to do and frankly, it makes them have to deal with issues they would rather not address.
ReplyDeleteEven some professionals are uncomfortable with grief issues. After we moved back to Illinois I went to work at a mental health agency in the substance abuse prevention department. Several of the counselors would refer the bereavements to me, even though it was not my job, simply because they were uncomfortable with dealing with the issue of death. This is speaking from my perspective as a professional in the field of death and dying. Now as a mother who just lost her only child, I am downright pissed off about this diatribe. I thought better of you than that Sam. If you want to truly understand loss, go volunteer at a hospice for a few months and go to their support groups and sit and listen to those who are losing or have lost their loved ones. The hardest thing I ever had to do with hospice was learn to shut my mouth and stop trying to "fix" everything. Death is the one thing we can't fix and all we can do is listen and be there for people. No matter how long it takes. In fact, people who are loved and supported and allowed to talk and process their feelings will "recover" much faster those those who get "shut up". They will just stuff it down inside and it will come up later or go into dysfunctional ways of coping (drinking, smoking, eating, etc.) It is your blog and you are entitled to your feelings but so am I and so are anyone who are any of the people mentioned who are grieving.
Tina (Vowell) McCulloch
Hello, Tina. It's very good to hear from you. I had a short convo with Rich a couple of weeks ago. I learned more about Kevan's life. Many, many sorrows for you, and many prayers on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteI know that the pain and loss are still very fresh for you. Please know that I would never try to deny the reality of that for you or anyone else. I couldn't possibly guess how long it will take you to come to a place where it isn't so immediately painful.
Please also realize that you aren't aware of the pain and loss that I've known through the years. I haven't lost a son, but I have lost. And, while not working professionally as a grief counselor as you have, I have over the years given close support to a goodly number of people while they've tried to live through tragic loss. Like you, I've seen and felt it up close. I truly do understand loss.
As a mental health care professional, you surely believe that some types of grief are extremely healthy and necessary to the recovery needed by those who have experienced loss. And you surely also believe that there are kinds or expressions of grief that are UNhealthy and inappropriate, that do NOT help a person deal appropriately with loss.
When I write that, I have some folks in mind that I have known. An older woman who speaks of her husband as though he is still alive. Nearly 25 years after his death, she can't make a decision unless she's sure he would have approved of her choice. A man and wife who have left their daughter's room just as it was, regularly cleaning it and keeping all her things as though ready for her to walk back in, placing new items in the room that they believe she'd have liked -- a daughter who died at age 6 in the early 90's. A man who, six or eight years after his mother's death, still lives in borderline depression because he didn't pay as much attention to her as he thinks he should have in her last years. There are many more.
Are all these people dealing with grief in a healthy, appropriate way? I truly don't see how anyone could say so.
Those are the type of grief situations I was writing about. Perhaps I could have given better qualification about that to which I was referring. Perhaps I could have been clearer that I wasn't writing about a grief as recent and fresh as yours and others. For that oversight, I earnestly apologize, to you and to anyone else to needs to hear that.
In this entry I was certainly not speaking of rushing people through their grieving process. The passage quoted speaks of a 30-day national mourning period for Moses. I don't have any illusions that every one -- or ANY one -- of the Hebrews forgot about Moses on day 31 -- "Well, that's done. Time to get moving." Of course not. I'm sure there were a huge number of people who carried the loss of their leader very close to them for a long time.
I do hope that you still think better of me. I work hard at not tossing empty "christianese" at people in mourning and grief. Our faith recognizes grief, pain, hurt, mourning, as part of the human experience, known by those both with and without God -- more than that, experienced by Jesus himself. They are not to be taken lightly or dismissed out of hand, when they are part of a healthy, appropriate process of dealing with great loss.
But I do have to take the position that, as in all aspects of human existence, there does come a point at which healthy degenerates into UNhealthy. I would think that the very existence of the mental health profession speaks to that fact. I certainly don't think of myself as qualified to say exactly where that tipping point is, for any particular person. But the tipping point IS there, and there are surely behaviors that we can recognize as being evidence that "healthy" has been left far behind. It is to those behaviors I addressed this entry.
Blessings on you and Rich, two valuable friends of days past, as you struggle though this hard time in your live together. I continue to remember you in prayer regularly. Please let me hear from you again.